


Oh, but I love you, even still, even now, even though we fell apart.

by NilDesperandum



Category: Holby City
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/F, Fix-It of Sorts, Post-Break Up, Reunions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-12 00:13:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,379
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18000122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NilDesperandum/pseuds/NilDesperandum
Summary: “We leave something of ourselves behind when we leave a place, we stay there, even though we go away. And there are things in us that we can find again only by going back there”Pascal Mercier – Night Train to Lisbon





	Oh, but I love you, even still, even now, even though we fell apart.

**Author's Note:**

> Found myself falling into the void that was Berena and this was the result.
> 
> Title comes from a beautiful song called 'Even Now' by William Fitzsimmons

Leaning against the wall, the cigarette shakes slightly between Bernie’s trembling fingers as she brings it between her lips. She hates herself for letting her emotions overpower her this much. She had been trying to get used to a life without her, to a life without the woman she loved and then Cameron mentions her name and she’s reminded of what she no longer has.

Her pager goes, signalling her presence is needed somewhere, and Bernie hurries to finish the cigarette before she has to rush back in. One last drag and she drops it to the floor and crushes it under her foot, killing the last dying embers. At least they aren’t in the same hospital anymore or even the same country. She doesn’t think she could do it. Go in, cross paths down the corridors between wards or work alongside her in theatre as they once had. She can’t pretend the sound of her voice wouldn’t break her a little inside. 

But even when away from Holby, Bernie can’t seem to escape Serena Campbell. It’s as though no matter how hard she tries to put distance between them, the Surgeon somehow always ends up sneaking into her thoughts. As she hurries to the elevator, Bernie takes a few breaths, her heart hammering hard against her chest as she gets herself together. How was she supposed to move on without the one great love of her life.

* * *

The doors close behind her, blocking out the noise and scent of the hospital and Serena allowed herself a moment to breathe in the cold night air as she made her way to the peace garden.

She looks up at the stars deep in contemplation and with much regret. Her thoughts are chaotic as she takes a seat, have been ever since Cameron had brought up Bernie’s name earlier in the day. She didn’t want to be here, she wanted to be at home left to her own devices, allowing herself a moment to remember every bit of time spent with Bernie, starting from when she’d first seen her in the car park to when they had parted ways for the last time in Albie's. Serena wanted to lose herself in the reverie and let it become her reality for a time. It wasn’t the same as being with the woman, but Serena could force herself to be content with the memories she had been left with. 

 She sighed and indulged in a brief few seconds of grief for the days with Bernie that would never come. Then she ignored the pain and turned back towards the hospital.

* * *

Bernie almost drops the phone in her hand when Serena’s name appears on the screen signalling an incoming call. She has to brace herself for a moment before accepting and bringing the phone to her ear. As soon as she hears her name called, she feels a painful lurch from within. This is the first conversation they have had since it all ended barely 3 months ago. Although it somehow feels longer than that. Time had ceased to be important to her, not being with Serena makes it pass differently, so agonisingly slow and despite the Trauma Unit keeping her busy, it doesn’t help with the pain of losing someone. 

“Bernie. How have you been?”

There’s a hesitation in Serena’s voice and Bernie’s eyes sting. However, she keeps it together, knows it’s the only way she’ll ever find a way through all of this. They carefully dance around one another as Serena explains her reasoning for calling, a request for her professional opinion on a case that has come in on AAU. It’s almost like they want to say more beyond that but don’t know where to start and so Bernie does them both a favour and pretends she’s needed elsewhere. She’s not ready to just be friends like this quite yet. 

* * *

“Charlotte, I promise you I’m fine. It’s over. I’m over it,” Bernie hears herself say for the millionth time as she looks towards the far side of the wall, almost lost in her thoughts. It's been 6 months.

 Her daughter grumbles, hands curled into fists as she paces up and down the living room of Bernie’s small flat and then she notices the small, almost sad smile on her mother’s face. Charlotte plops down on the sofa beside the older woman and pulls her into an embrace. It’s rare, these open displays of affection between either of them, but Bernie is grateful for the gesture nonetheless.

 “You’ve haven't stopped, have you?”

 Bernie takes a few seconds to understand what Charlotte is talking about and when realisation hits, she knows there’s no point in lying anymore.

“No,” she replies. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to.”

* * *

Serena wakes with a sputter of breath. Her heartbeat thumping, it takes a few seconds to realise where she is. She’s damp with sweat despite the night being colder than usual for the time of year. She isn’t sure exactly what woke her, knows it feels like she’s been dreaming, and it has left her somewhat disorientated. She automatically reaches across the bed but finds an empty space instead of a warm embrace. She’s chasing a phantom, an echo in her world that won’t just disappear but is always there in the shadows.

She shifts and slips out of bed silently. She knows this room inside out but somehow feels strangely out of place. Her head is full of memories as she stares around in the darkness. It’s moments like this when they are the strongest.

Memories of what’s she lost. What she’s done.

She longs for the nights again with Bernie spent talking with her about everything and nothing, comfortable in one another’s intimacy. But as much as she likes looking back, her recollections also stir up so many regrets. So much had gone unsaid, unspoken words fraying their relationship until she felt she had no choice but to cut the rope keeping her and Bernie tethered together. And whilst it felt like the right thing to, what was fair, Serena hadn’t been prepared for the lonely empty feeling that had followed her since.

* * *

“I’m just saying…there are plenty of other people out there.”

Bernie was sat in the flat that she'd called home, staring out of the window at the gloomy clouds that hung over the city and the rain that had started to fall again, bouncing off the ground as it hit. The weather seemed to be reflecting her mood right now: dark and melancholy.

Despite Cameron’s best intentions, he was doing nothing to help her situation when he kept nagging his mother during their weekly phone calls to try to move on and put herself out there. She had tried to and was left with nothing but regrets.

_"Bernie," her dinner companion interrupted, “This... It's not going to work."_

_Claire’s voice was soft as she reached out and laid her hand over hers on the table._

_“I don't know what it is you've gone through or who it is you’re trying to get over…You don't want to talk about it, that's fine. I get it. But you're still not over it. And," she paused, giving Bernie's hand a small squeeze, trying to offer her some sort of comfort. "I don't think that this is going to help you. You need to come to terms with it and you can't do that by hiding from it and seeing other people."_

Bernie knew Claire had been right. It’s been 9 months but even now, despite all the time that has passed since they parted ways, Bernie doesn’t know how to explain to her son that every woman she talks to, every woman she meets, they’re not her. She could pull herself together. She could put on her best jeans, a shirt and she could go for a meal with a beautiful woman but when all is said and done, they cannot compare to her. They cannot replace her. There is just no way to replace Serena Campbell in her heart.

 “Cameron please…”

 "All I'm saying is, maybe you should think about the future."

 He says no more after that and Bernie is left to ponder what kind of future she has in front of her.

* * *

She pulls the coat tighter around her body as she exits the taxi and makes her way to the front door. A couple bottles of Shiraz shared with Ric after a busy day left her with no choice but to leave her car in its designated spot in the hospital car park. Serena thinks the alcohol might be making her hallucinate a little and she pulls herself to a stop as she tries to determine whether the image of Bernie Wolfe huddled up in the cold, sitting on her front door step is in fact real and not a cruel trick of her mind.

“Bernie?”

A head pops up and Serena must steady herself upon seeing the briefest of smiles flicker across the blonde’s face. Her surprise soon turns to concern though as she sees the shiver that runs through the woman and Serena has to resist the desire to surge forward.

“You’re freezing. How long have you been sitting here?”

“About an hour I think. Thought it was better than surprising you at the hospital...Anyway when I realised you weren’t in I resigned myself to waiting. I wanted to see you.”

Bernie knew it wasn’t the best idea, especially when she didn’t know when the other woman would be home but her yearning to see Serena overwhelmed everything else she had been feeling. 

“Please can we go inside and talk?”

“Of course.” For the first time in almost a year, as she brushed past her to open the door, Serena found herself face to face with the woman she loved.

They made their way into the house, shedding coats before going through to the living room. As she took a seat on the sofa, Serena gestured for Bernie to do the same. At one time they would have been inseparable at they sat together, now there was an obvious distance as Bernie settled down on the opposite side. She took a moment to look around, noticing the room looked the same as when she was last there and Bernie found an odd comfort in the feeling of familiarity.

 “So, it really is lovely to see you but what brings you here?”

Bernie hadn’t really prepared for this. All she knew was that she had to see Serena but beyond that, she hadn’t really been thinking. But as she sits there, takes in everything that she left behind, she finally comes to a realisation in her own mind. Her career is only temporary, Serena is not and she knows that now. She knows that of all the choices she’s ever made or will have to make in the future, none will come close to the choice of being with the woman she loves.

“It’s you; you’re why I am here.” 

Serena turns to look at her fully, shifts just a little closer to the woman sat next to her.

“I don’t understand…”

Bernie moves, finally reaches out and entwines Serena’s hand in her own, giving it a gentle squeeze. The other comes to rest against her cheek and Serena can’t help but lean in at the touch.

“I’m convinced that there is no one else out there that will ever make me as happy or feel as complete as you do Serena.”

Serena feels as if she should resist when Bernie’s thumb start to caress her cheek, when Bernie’s voice starts to go soft and crack in a way that epitomises nothing but regret, sadness and resignation. Her heart still beats furiously at Bernie’s tender touch and she wants her so bad it pains her but she doesn't deserve this.

“I hurt you, by all rights you should hate me.”

“I could never hate you Serena. I meant what I said before, these things between us, they aren’t insurmountable. I just want to be with you,” Bernie murmurs in a whisper, touching their foreheads together, “It’s been hell without you these past months.”

Serena clutches the fabric of Bernie’s shirt between her fingers to ground herself, and to keep her within reach. Serena has missed her so much, the feel of her, the sight of her, her touch. And now it’s like she’s standing on the edge of the abyss all over again, trying to decide whether to step back or jump right in.

“Nothing has changed though Bernie, has it?  I still want you, but nothing’s -?” Bernie cuts her off

“Everything has changed Serena. Before, I shouldn’t have let you push me away in some misguided attempt of letting me be free. I should have been here for you, I should have fought for you. So that’s what I am doing now, remedying my mistakes. Let me come home, let me come home to you?”

Serena feel likes the best thing to say is no. No, because they have no guarantees this will work out a second time, but she can’t say it. She sees the hope before her in watery eyes, the way hands are trembling against her skin...everything about Bernie makes it impossible to say no. She feels it, the last pieces of resistance yielding, and knows that she’s going to jump into the abyss. She has to trust that this is what the other woman wants and so Serena nods and then closes the small gap between them. Bernie’s body goes almost slack in her arms as the tension seeps out of her. They cling to one another, kiss tenderly, intensely and with so much love.

They both want to say more, there’s so much that still needs to be said, words that maybe should have been spoken long ago. They know it won’t necessarily be easy, but they also know that this time they can make it. Bernie will fight for Serena, always. She will run head first into whatever the fates may have planned for them without a care in the world apart from the woman she loves and their family.

That’s what she’ll do. That what she does. 


End file.
